John Fetterman wants to 'pay it forward' by speaking openly about his depression
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Sen. John Fetterman, D-Pa., returns to the Senate after being admitted to the hospital for clinical depression.Keren Carrión/NPR -
Sen. John Fetterman and Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer give a thumbs up to reporters as they walk to the weekly Senate policy luncheons together at the U.S. Capitol Building on April 18.Anna Moneymaker / Getty Images -
Sen. John Fetterman, D-Pa., sits for an interview with NPR. It was the first day he wore a new hearing aid, after being diagnosed with hearing loss and audio processing issues following his stroke.Keren Carrión/NPR
Sen. John Fetterman acknowledges there was a time not that long ago, when he didn't want to talk about depression — at all. Now, the Pennsylvania Democrat, who returned to the U.S. Senate this week after taking leave in mid-February to seek treatment for clinical depression, says it's his responsibility to "pay it forward" with candor about the disease.
"I thought every night when I was laying in bed when I was in the hospital — like what if I just would have done something about this before, and I could kick myself and I just think about how my family wouldn't [have been] put through it and my constituents," he told NPR's Scott Detrow in his first broadcast interview since his return to Congress.
"But now that I am back, I'm really committed to ... letting people know: to anyone that has any of these feelings, there's a path, and you can get better."
Fetterman's colleagues cheered his return, giving him a standing ovation during the Democratic caucus meeting this week.
"I can't tell you how moving it was to me," Fetterman said. "I would have been blown away if it was just warm, but a standing ovation and hugs and big shakes and everything — and it was just — I'm so grateful to our colleagues and to Leader [Chuck] Schumer."
He added that some Senate colleagues visited him while he was receiving treatment at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center: Democratic Sens. Tina Smith of Minnesota and Bob Casey of Pennsylvania, as well as Republican Sen. Katie Britt of Alabama.
Fetterman sat down with Detrow in his Capitol Hill office, a windowless space that his team has decorated with posters of Philadelphia sports mascots Gritty and the Phanatic. The freshman senator — who recently learned that he can vote without wearing a suit — was wearing his signature Carhartt hoodie and grey gym shorts. He was also sporting brand-new hearing aids and using closed captioning to help process speech.
Ever since he suffered a severe stroke during his Senate campaign last year, Fetterman has had to answer questions about his health. Still, the former lieutenant governor of Pennsylvania defeated Trump-endorsed celebrity doctor Mehmet Oz in November for the first open Senate seat in the state in a dozen years. His victory was a triumph for Democrats and helped cement their control of the Senate.
But Fetterman says there wasn't a moment of relief, even after coming out triumphant in the wake of an extremely competitive and toxic campaign.
"After I won, I still felt that depression — like, I felt lost," he said. "I wasn't elated. I wasn't happy about it. I was relieved that it was over. But at the same time, I never had the opportunity to recover from the stroke, and I had depression, and a lot of just the stress and everything. [I] really wasn't able to address it."
He said the pressures of political campaigning and the seemingly endless attack ads, coupled with the stroke, all led to a "perfect storm."
On addressing his illness with his family
Fetterman didn't shy away from talking about the pain his depression caused himself and his family. For instance, the day he checked himself into the hospital was his eldest son's 14th birthday.
"I always get emotional just thinking about it," he said. "I think back [to] when I was 14 years old, what if this would have been what happened to me?"
Fetterman said he fears his son will always associate his birthday with the day his father checked himself into the hospital.
"My oldest son had a conversation where he was having a hard time understanding — 'why, Dad, why are you depressed? Like, you know you ran and you won.' And I tried to explain to him, like, geez, you know, Karl — I had this stroke and all of these ads and everything, and he's like, 'but aren't we enough?" he remembered through tears. "Aren't we enough?'"
Fetterman said the six weeks in treatment was "about me redeeming, trying to redeem myself in their eyes."
And he said that he's grateful for so much now that his depression is in remission.
"Being a partner in a full [way], and being present, just taking my kids out to go and get pizza [are] simple things I've just cherished."
Audio story produced by Noah Caldwell.
Audio story edited by Ashley Brown.
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Transcript
SCOTT DETROW, HOST:
Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman is back in the U.S. Senate.
(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED RECORDING)
JOHN FETTERMAN: Thank you, Senator. And now, I now recognize Senator Warnock for five minutes.
RAPHAEL WARNOCK: Thank you so very much, Mr. Chair, and it's great to see you back. During the pandemic...
DETROW: The Democrat chaired a subcommittee hearing yesterday. It's his first week back on Capitol Hill since a 44-day hospital stay to treat depression. When Fetterman walked through the Senate halls this week with Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, he was the center of attention. There was no avoiding the cameras.
(SOUNDBITE OF CAMERAS SNAPPING)
DETROW: But Fetterman had been the center of attention since he first arrived in January, at a moment when he didn't want to be. Running against TV personality Mehmet Oz amid the possibility of helping Democrats secure a true majority had already raised his national profile. Then, in the middle of that bruising race, Fetterman suffered a serious stroke. He found himself navigating new challenges with auditory processing, all while debating, campaigning and eventually winning.
(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED RECORDING)
VICE PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS: Do you solemnly swear that you will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all...
DETROW: In January, Fetterman began his term. But the satisfaction you might expect one to feel being sworn in as the Commonwealth's junior senator...
(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED RECORDING)
FETTERMAN: I do.
HARRIS: Congratulations, Senator. Congratulations.
DETROW: It just wasn't there at all, according to Fetterman.
FETTERMAN: Like, I felt lost, you know? And I wasn't elated. I wasn't happy about it.
DETROW: He realized something was seriously wrong - something besides the effects of the stroke. So he took a remarkable step for a politician - openly checking himself into the hospital to treat depression.
(SOUNDBITE OF MONTAGE)
NORAH O'DONNELL: Late word today that Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman has checked himself into the hospital...
JULIE TSIRKIN: They said that he will continue getting voluntary treatment on a voluntary basis...
UNIDENTIFIED REPORTER: Senator Fetterman has experienced depression on and off throughout his life...
DETROW: After six weeks of treatment at Walter Reed National Medical Center's neuropsychology unit, Fetterman's doctor told him his depression was in remission. Fetterman sat down with ALL THINGS CONSIDERED this afternoon for the first extended interview since his return to the Capitol. His team had decorated the spare, windowless, temporary space assigned to new senators with posters of Philadelphia sports mascots, Gritty and the Phanatic, plus a large 420 banner. The closed captioning Fetterman uses to process speech was displayed on a big-screen TV. It was his first day wearing brand-new hearing aids. And Fetterman, having recently learned that he can vote without donning a suit, was comfortable in his trademark Carhartt hoodie and gray gym shorts.
So you're back. You chaired your first subcommittee hearing this week. It's been a full week.
FETTERMAN: Mmm hmm. Yeah.
DETROW: Your colleagues gave you a standing ovation when you came back into the Democratic caucus meeting. How's everything feeling?
FETTERMAN: I can't tell you how moving it was to me. Now, I would have been blown away if it was just warm, but a standing ovation and hugs. And I'm so grateful to our colleagues and to Leader Schumer also - had it so that I was able - it made it possible for me to be there, setting the tone from the top down that - you know, that either me or anyone in this kind of situation - you know, they're - it's one of us, and we need to provide the opportunity to get healthy.
DETROW: How different did it feel coming into the Senate - being in the Senate this week compared to when you first arrived in January?
FETTERMAN: It was just a big smile. You know, I've really missed being here. When I was in the throes of depression, to be 100% honest, I was not the kind of senator that was deserved by a Pennsylvanian. I wasn't the kind of partner that I - to my wife, Gisele, or to my children - you know, Karl, Grace and August - I wasn't the kind of father. One of the best sentences that I ever heard in my life was my doctors just sitting, when we were in a meeting, and they said, John, we believe your depression is in remission.
DETROW: Yeah.
FETTERMAN: And at first, I didn't believe that. And now my depression is in remission, and that's why coming back to home and coming back to the Senate has been a joy.
DETROW: You've said you want to use this moment to talk about mental health - to talk about depression.
FETTERMAN: Yeah.
DETROW: Can you tell somebody who's maybe lucky enough to have not had to deal with depression what it felt like in those moments early on in the Senate term?
FETTERMAN: Yeah.
DETROW: You've talked about feeling empty being sworn into office. It should be this big moment in your life, and you said it didn't feel that way at all.
FETTERMAN: Yeah. You know, I'm grateful to have the ability to try to pay it forward.
DETROW: Yeah.
FETTERMAN: And I would just say this. I try to be kind of - I want to be - say the kinds of things that I would have heard years ago that got me, you know, into action.
DETROW: Yeah.
FETTERMAN: And I would tell anybody listening to this - is if you suffer from depression or you have a loved one, you know, please let them know - please know that you don't need to just suffer without treatment. If I had done that years ago, I would not have had to put my family with that if I had gotten help.
DETROW: When you were dealing with depression for so long, how would you characterize how you were personally dealing with it? Were you denying that it was even there, or were you saying, this is here, this is a real thing, but I'm going to push through it - I'm going to ignore it?
FETTERMAN: I was so depressed that I didn't even realize I was depressed.
DETROW: Yeah.
FETTERMAN: I didn't even understand it. This - to me, that just became, you know, the new normal. I wasn't realizing I wasn't eating. I wasn't eating. I didn't realize that I wasn't really drinking much. I dropped 25 pounds and was - you know, sometimes would say things - incoherent things. I knew I was - something was wrong. They knew that I was not - wasn't right. But even at that moment, I was still kind of - I pushed back about it, too, sometimes, saying, are you sure? I don't really need it. I'm good, OK? I mean, no, no, no, I got it.
DETROW: Yeah.
FETTERMAN: 'Cause then when it was - really come to that choice, like, you need to - I'm going to walk in here and sign myself in, I thought for a second. I'm like, oh, no, no, wait a minute. I'm fine, all right? Nevermind. I got this. I got this. I got this. I got this.
DETROW: I'm noticing that you're being really reflective in looking back, saying, I wasn't doing this the right way with my family. I wasn't approaching this job the right way. I was ignoring this. What did you learn about yourself during this six weeks in the hospital that you didn't know before?
FETTERMAN: For my family, it was hard because I was ashamed.
DETROW: Yeah.
FETTERMAN: I was ashamed. And that was probably the single hardest thing in all that - is when I think about that.
DETROW: Did you talk to your family about those feelings? And what did they tell you?
FETTERMAN: Yeah. The day I was signed into the hospital was my son's 14th birthday. And I think back when I was 14 years old - what if this would have been what happened to me? But the only thing he wanted to do was he just wanted to go to a restaurant.
DETROW: Yeah.
FETTERMAN: And my wife was on his way to take him there. And she - they all had to turn it around.
DETROW: Yeah.
FETTERMAN: And my fear is that his birthday will always remember as the day that Dad was signed in. And - but - and the six weeks was about me kind of redeeming - trying to redeem myself...
DETROW: Yeah.
FETTERMAN: ...You know, in their eyes. And they were never harsh on me. They just created a path to a safe place, but I felt like I didn't deserve to have, like, a safe place there.
DETROW: You still sound very hard on yourself.
FETTERMAN: No. No, I wasn't hard on me because - you know, the family was put through a really difficult - this was really hard for myself. My oldest son...
DETROW: Yeah.
FETTERMAN: ...Had a conversation where he was having a hard time understanding why Dad - why aren't you depressed? Like, you ran, and you won. And I tried to explain to them. I'm like, you know, jeez - you know, Karl, like, I had a stroke and, you know, all of these adds and everything. And he's like, but aren't we enough? Aren't we enough (crying)? And when he asked - aren't we enough - it's that they should be - that they are enough.
DETROW: Yeah.
FETTERMAN: (Crying) But at that time, I wasn't able to not feel this kind of depression. And that's - you know, those six weeks was - for me, was - like, every week was about me trying to work back enough to be worthy.
DETROW: Yeah. I want to use the rest of the interview to talk about what comes next and talk about how you're going to approach your job now that you're back in the Senate. And I wanted to start by just taking a moment to ask you about some of the criticism and also some of the concerns. You said yourself a moment ago that, when you were depressed, you didn't feel like you were the senator that Pennsylvania needed - I'm paraphrasing. But, I mean, the central attack against you during the campaign was you couldn't do the job due to your health problems. Then you got here, and you had to spend six weeks in the hospital. And I'm wondering, do you feel, yourself, any extra pressure at this moment to say, hey, Pennsylvania, I'm here to represent you?
FETTERMAN: Yeah, certainly. And, you know - but I bet you some of those people that are criticizing me know somebody, or they might be someone that faces depression in their lives as well.
DETROW: Yeah.
FETTERMAN: And I just always try to tell people by saying it's not a Democratic or Republican area. It's a - it's humanity. And, you know, there's people from - no matter where you live, no matter what your political views are, is that you suffer from depression, or you know somebody there. And you know what a critic of me was? It was my wife.
DETROW: Yeah.
FETTERMAN: She said, you have depression. You got to - you should do something to it. So - and she was right (laughter).
DETROW: Yeah.
FETTERMAN: You know, just because - you know, like, I thought every night when I was laying in bed when I was in the hospital - and I'm like, why? If I just would have - what if I just would have done something about this before, you know? And I could kick myself. And I just think about - you know, my family wouldn't have put through it - and even, again, you know, my constituents. But right now, now that I am back, to me, I'm really committed to paying it forward on all of that and letting people know - to anyone that has any of these feelings, you know, there's a path, and you can get better.
DETROW: Senator John Fetterman, Democrat from Pennsylvania, back in the United States Senate, thank you so much for speaking with us.
FETTERMAN: Ah, thank you. Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF MACHINEDRUM'S "NEW GRASS - PIANO REWORKS") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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